Happy New Year from my favorite, "Maxine".
As we
progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over
the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices
in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was
last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with
someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while
driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats
I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for
fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for
the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now
have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub
the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar
because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my
prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern , I no
longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking
someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my
back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in
the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I
can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because
I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit
down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask
me to dial a number for which I will
get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's
toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under
the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park
because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab
me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because
I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall
off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels
will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina
, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails
with their hand on the mouse
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…And the HAPPIEST New Year!!!
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